Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I'm a horrible blogger

It's been 25 days since my last update. I apologize to the 3 people who read this. Once again I will blog on practically nothing and everything aimlessly.

Well, as usual I've been putting off exercising. I perform the stretches, I play very exaggeratedly and powerfully in Wii Sports, but I can not play DDR, the backbone of my exercise regimen.

Before I made it something I had to do I loved playing DDR, it was something no one and no thing could stop me from doing. Even when my legs and feet ached badly from a hard day outside of my room, defying my hikikomori ways I would still play either DDRMAX 2 or SuperNOVA.

I weigh 347 lbs now, that has jumped between 355 and and 344 this month. I gained a lot of weight my first week on the "program", then started to work it off. The thing is this exciting for a fat guy like me. The numbers go down and I start to see subtle changes on the shape of my body. My chest is uneven now. It used to be all fat, but the right side is deflating now. My face is getting noticeably thinner and my left hand has loosened up a bit.

With the help of a magical lotion called "Cocoa Butter", my many visible scars of the past are beginning to fade away, the lighter ones are all but invisible now. They all still look like dead roaches, but soon even that look will fade.

My semester ends this week. The constant stress I've been under, and resentment I've been feeling will finally fade. I feel like this near the end of every semester. I resent people who aren't going through this right now and I stress out over finals and whatever project I've managed to hold off til the last minute.

This semester it's an entire database that should be capable of finding students based on their name, id number, and phone number. It also needs to be able to show each students schedule. So far it's been a simple project, but the schedules have proved to be difficult. It's only because I missed a simple technique in the class that I should be able to perform in Oracle. I'm going over it now, well not this minute.

I decided to take a break and blog here, and enjoy the company of the beautiful woman sitting next to me typing a paper. We speak briefly, but mainly sit in silence. I helping her at times, and she asking me about the donating process and other things. Basically nothing. I'm not a "playah" or anything like that, the few girls I've met in a lab have been very responsive, but it's as if I'm new to this every time I see a pretty face. It's as if I'm the star of an anime, I'm so fucking nervous. I've even entered a silent contest with her now. We're competing to see who can type the quickest. Yea, I do this to everyone who sits next to me and decides that they must type. I can barely hit speeds of 55-65 wpm, but I'm fast enough to beat most people. She is really pushing me. As much as I'd like to continue typing my thoughts I do have to learn the last bits of SQL and still finish my Oracle Project today.

Damn I suck... at times.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

I'm losing Weight

I recently donated some of my blood plasma. Part of the check-up is of course being weighed. Approximately two months ago I weighed 382 lbs, now I weigh 349.5 lbs. That's 32.5 lb difference. I havn't been doing anything too special, I improved my diet by actually eating three meals a day. Normally I'll sit around playing games, watching tv or reading a book and will ignore my hunger. I don't eat too much unhealthy food but barely eating combined with almost no exercise is what got me to where I am today.

I also walk about half a mile to the bus stop on my way to school, and another half mile when I return home. I've also increased the amount of time I play DDR since I got the best version, DDRMAX 2 again a few weeks ago. Before I had to settle for SuperNOVA which isn't a bad game, but pales horribly in comparison to DDRMAX 2.

After discovering my weight loss I've decided to make losing weight and becoming more healthy an actual goal now that I see results can actually be made. Over the past two months my friends and family have often told me that I looked like I lost weight, but I didn't believe them. I noticed minimal slimming at best and like many people, I expected to see huge changes. Excess fat doesn't just disappear overnight. You have to kick its' ass by getting your body shape.

If I lost over 30 lbs in a two month period while not focusing completely on improvement, I'm sure that my newfound focus will help me to obliterate another 50 lbs before the year is out. I'm actually hoping to do so by July 10th, but I always set my goals low and aim high so that I always crush my expectations. This will be no different.

I played DDRMAX casually at least twice a week. I'm upping that to at east 30 minutes a day in work-out mode minimum. I'll still be playing for fun also. I've moved my bed ou of my video game playing room to give me plenty of space for DDR and for Wii Sports. I love Wii Sports Bowling, I played it nearly everyday for a while, but have since taken time off from my career to become an assassin and to save Peach.

I'm coming out of retirement and bowling a few games in a fun and very exaggerated manner everyday. I'm also going to do the same with Wii Sports Tennis. I actually used to play tennis and wasn't awful, but was definitely more than an average amateur. I loved the sport even though my win/loss record was something like 30/70 when I played.

In addition to my video game exercises I will of course be do the proper stretches before starting anything, and doing a few basic exercises. Exercising is free, no money required, but I need a screen to do anything, I'm addicted to screens.

My diet is also going to improve by me adding more vegetables and meat. The most I normally eat are the ones in my cups of noodles and the pickles I chop up for my tuna. Homemade pot pie and many other dishes are going to be added to my menu. I will never be a vegan, I love milk and eggs too much. I'd practically be a vegetarian if I didn't eat tuna. I don't hate meat, I just love pasta and fruit. Chicken is as big with me as it is with many many chicken lovers, but waiting for chicken to bake or fry usually leaves it out of my diet as I favor getting my food as quickly as possible since I usually starve myself. Yea that's right. I'm so lazy I'll keep watching tv instead of throwing a pack of instant noodles in the microwave at times. As said earlier that has been changing, but not completely. I hope by taking steps to better myself that being lazy will no longer be a major habit of mine (being lazy is a virtue, but in excess it's horrible).

My dental hygiene isn't the greatest. I brush once a day and floss whenever I remember to (I have done so yet today, damn now I have to floss). I'm going to up this to brushing in the morning when I wake, and at night before I sleep. I'll also be flossing at both times, and after major meals. I definitely have a few cavities, there's nothing I can do about that right now as I don't have health insurance. instead I'm going to do what i should have done before and protect what's left of my teeth.

I will be posting pictures, but I won't make them publicly available for a while. I'm covered in healed scabs that were either picked at in life or were horrible when I got them. I will also be posting my progress every week, it'd be nice to have real records to look at that show what I've done and how I've improved (hopefully). I'm on a quest to make my manboobs smaller than the breasts most women have. I will succeed or lose horribly. I hope to have dropped a cup size by next month as I will not be outdone by Homer Simpson.

Monday, March 31, 2008

I Think I'm a Hikikomori

First off you may be wondering what a hikikomori is. According to wikipedia.org, a hikikomori is "a Japanese term used to refer to the phenomenon of reclusive individuals who have chosen to withdraw from social life...". So in short a hikikomori is a person reclusive enough to withdraw from social life and even the world.

I go outside, but not everyday. I take out the trash and roll my garbage can to the front of the house on Wednesdays. I go to classes (most of the time) and I go to the store for food. I have friends, but ever since a certain incident about a month ago I havn't spoken to anyone. Even before that incident I rarely spoke to any of them for more than 15 minutes a week or month if at all. I love sitting at home or on the bus and reading a novel or playing video games. I also enjoy anime, which has put me into this wonder about my being, about what I am and how did I get here.

"Welcome to the NHK" is the name of an anime series I've been watching lately that deals with hikikomori and NEET. "NEET is a government classification, first used in the United Kingdom...[it means] 'Not currently engaged in Employment, Education or Training'." The main character is a reclusive individual who wonders how he came to be a hikikomori and due to other characters in the show, he's being made to get rid of his reclusive ways, but it's not easy for him nor for me.

Before last month I didn't venture outside that much because of the below freezing temperatures and my amazing ability to slip and fall on ice without much effort. At least that's what I told myself and everyone else. Now for the snow and ice is gone and it's decent enough to wear an unzipped jacket outside. I have a regional bus pass that will take me almost anywhere I want to go today, and I'll be replacing it tomorrow for a pass that will work in April but I doubt that I'll put it to any good use.

I don't hate the sounds of others' voices, I just don't like them enough to listen to them. The only exceptions are my sisters voices, my nephews, and any woman with a wonderful voice. When I leave my house I either do not feel safe or I feel confined. When I don't feel safe I think everyone is out to get me and think of hateful thoughts and crazy anime-esque scenarios. An example? Sure. I'll imagine the dogs I hear barking escaping their chains and chasing after me wildly until I get on all fours to run alongside them and take my kingsize bit out of their sides and rip open their mouths to the point of splitting their heads in half horizontally. These thoughts are often violent, but usually have a bit of humor to them although that example didn't and is one of my darker thoughts.

When I feel confined I do sometimes feel safe, but I also feel stranded in my own world that makes everything else feel unreal. I don't like feeling this way, because to be unreal is to not be a true part of this world. If I'm not a part of this world and I'm not immersed into a world of my choosing then I may as well be a wandering spirit. People will cross the street to avoid me and do many other things to not acknowledge my existence. I do the same thing to people from time to time, but at the very least I try to make eye contact with people I'm passing and to say "hi"or "hello". To not receive an answer is just another low point of my day.

I've been told that I am reclusive individual by many, even by some of the people I call friends whom I actually consider to be my friends. I think, at least for now that I may be doomed to be reclusive as I don't feel too comfortable around other people, I even find things consciously and subconsciously about everyone that I meet that I don't like and it will seriously nag me more than Loretta from the "Longhorns" comic.

I am at the very least a forum rat and am involved in two group projects at my college. Maybe those will help? Maybe I'm making something out of nothing. For the 0 people who read this that aren't me, what do you think?